My Bad – Sorry, Not Sorry: A DIY Guide to True Forgiveness

The Anatomy of a Non-Apology

We’ve all been there. Go back in your dusty memories and think of a time when someone's words have hurt you. When you finally get the courage to tell them, "What you said yesterday really ticked me off," they respond with the king of all non-apologies: "I'm sorry you feel that way."

That's it! That's their whole response. They think it's more than adequate because it's not an apology for their action, but for your reaction. It places total blame on your feelings, not their words, and completely dodges any real ownership of the hurt they caused. It's a verbal evasion that everyone has experienced, probably more than once.

Worse than a non-apology, the feeble apology peaks at you from around the corner. It’s a little more than a non-apology… but not much! Again, we’ve all heard others use this one. Perhaps we have even ventured into this arena of half-hearted excuses. It's a verbal shrug. It's the "Sorry!" you yell after cutting someone off in traffic. It's a throwaway tool to end a conversation, not to heal a wound.

Here are three more culprits of the non-apology:

·         The "Sorry, but...": as in “Sorry, but I didn’t know, or think you cared.” This non-apology is just a defense of their own actions.

·         The "Sorry, if...": as in “Sorry, if you were upset, or you’re over-sensitive." This non-apology raises the question of whether the other person even has a right to be offended.

·         The Mumble: This one is the insincere, muttered “Sorry” that's not meant to be heard; not worth the extra effort on the diaphragm to project the regret. These folks think maybe if they keep the volume down, it won’t ruin their “perfect” record.

Here is possibly Man's first non-apology! “Listen, God, the woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit. I was hungry and, oh yeah, she ate some too. I didn't think it was a big deal. I'm sorry that You feel that way.” Classic!

These shouldn't even be considered apologies; they're more like get-out-of-jail-free cards. They lack the one thing that makes an apology real: ownership.

James 3:10 (NIV): "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be." This Scripture connects the insincerity of our words to a more profound spiritual inconsistency.

The Three-Legged Stool of a Real Apology

Here is where we get into the DIY guide to true forgiveness, building the solid piece of furniture of "I Was Wrong". Think of an honest and meaningful apology as a three-legged stool. It has to be sturdy, reliable, and efficient. If one leg is wonky or splintered, the whole thing collapses.

Leg 1: The Admission – “Okay, I Messed Up.”

This is about pure, unadulterated ownership. No excuses. No blaming. It's looking someone in the eye and stating clearly, "What I did was wrong." The key idea here is that you must name the specific sin. Not "I'm sorry for what happened," but "I am sorry that I broke my promise to you."

Psalm 51:3 (NIV): "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." (David isn't vague; he knows precisely what he did to be with Bathsheba, and it haunts him. This is the humble posture of true admission.)

Leg 2: The Petition - "Will You Forgive Me?" 

This next part is the most skipped step. It's the humble petition that transfers power back to the person who was hurt. It acknowledges their right to be angry and invites them to participate in the reconciliation process.

Saying "I'm sorry" is a statement. Asking "Will you forgive me?" is a question. It requires a response and shows you genuinely care about their answer. It's the difference between a monologue and a dialogue. It’s the distinction between sending an email or text versus knocking on a door and waiting for it to be opened. The first example is the sender creating emotional distance from the act and the recipient. It's a way of saying, "I am performing the social ritual of apologizing, but I am not emotionally invested in it." The latter is facing the one you have wronged and being prepared to do whatever it takes to make it right.

Luke 17:3-4 (NIV): "If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them..." The structure is crystal clear. There is an action (sin), a response (repentance), and a requested action (forgiveness).

Leg 3: The Repentance - "The 180-Degree Turn" 

Repentance (in Greek, metanoia) isn't just feeling bad; it's a change of a person’s mind that leads to a change of direction. It's the fruit that proves the root is healthy.

This is where words become actions. Ask yourself, “How will I ensure this doesn't happen again? What steps will I take?” This is the leg of the stool that provides stability for the future.

Let me offer a musical metaphor: An apology without repentance is like a musician saying "oops" after hitting wrong notes but making no effort to learn the correct chord for the next time. It guarantees the same sour notes will be played again.

Acts 26:20 (NIV): "...I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds." Here, Paul connects repentance directly to demonstrable deeds. In other words, “You say you’re sorry, now let me see you prove it.”

Matthew 3:8 (NIV): As John the Baptist not too subtly said, "Produce fruit in keeping with repentance,"  Don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk.

The Other Side of the Coin

So, you've been wronged... now what? But how can we address the responsibility of the person receiving the apology? First, forgiveness is not forgetting. Please don’t use the knee-jerk reply, "That’s okay," or the worst response in history, “Whatever.” It's a conscious choice to release the other person from the debt they owe you. It's canceling the debt, even when the pain remains.

Someone once said that holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. If you don’t grab onto anything else, please take hold of this nugget and never turn it loose: “Forgiveness is the antidote, primarily for your soul.”

When we become a Christian, we have entered into a contract of divine reciprocity. We forgive because we have been forgiven. This isn't about our capacity for goodness; it's about our gratitude for His. This is the "why." It's the ultimate model and motivation.

Colossians 3:13 (NIV): "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." 

The Grace Note (another musical reference)

In summary, we have a three-legged stool: admission, petition, and repentance. It has to be built strong to be effective. This is the strength of ownership when we have offended someone. It has to have balance. That steadiness happens when power is returned to the offended. And it has to be reliable. This becomes clear to all parties when the offender takes steps to correct his offense.

Final Thought: True forgiveness—both giving and receiving—reflects the Gospel itself. It's an admission of our brokenness (confession), a petition for mercy (prayer), and a turning toward a new way of life (repentance), all made possible by the one who forgave us when we couldn't even form the words. Reciprocity (I love that word) is mutually beneficial. Our Father in heaven wants His children to all get along. That's why it is woven into the core message throughout His Word: love God, love one another.

My prayer is that these words have touched a dark place in your heart that has been waiting for the dawn of mercy. Know this: a heart that forgives is a heart that can accomplish great things for the Kingdom of God. Let's stop justifying our pain or making excuses born from the discomfort of guilt. The ultimate price has been paid for every one of our sins—those we remember and those we've long since forgotten. It is a grace we could never earn.  I pray you will not only receive this incredible gift of forgiveness but also share it with a world in desperate need. Go forth and make it so.